Gosh, I'm usually pretty good about keeping this blog updated, but I've gone a week without a post! No, I haven't been lost in a pile of dirty cloth diapers (it's going REALLY well, by the way). Things have just been insane. I have a feeling this post is going to be a bit raw. It's been so hard for me to juggle everything. Lately I've been fantasizing about being a stay at home mom. I love my job, truly. It pays really well and I enjoy what I do. But a full time career plus being a mother seriously leaves me no time to do anything else. Nothing. It's near impossible to keep up with the housework for some reason. Yet, I see that other moms who work have no problems. It makes me start to feel like there is something wrong with me. I rarely cook, thank goodness my husband LOVES to cook and prefers it, because I don't have time to do it. By the time I get home, 100% of my attention is on Jude for 2 or 3 hours before he goes to bed between 7:30 and 8. Then, I do just the basic things like loading the dishwasher from dinner, doing some laundry, etc. at which point I am exhausted. Then I usually have some sort of project that needs to be worked on (like this week, writing and addressing invitations to 150 people for my in-laws 25th anniversary party). Okay, so what about the weekends? Excellent question. Phil is usually doing something for his 80+ hour a week career (which I wouldn't change- he is SO awesome at his job and LOVES it), so having him watch Jude while I do something like scrub the floors is impossible on most weekends, especially in the summertime when his industry goes insane. My son will MAYBE take a 45-60 minute nap in the mornings and a 30 minute nap in the afternoons. I guess I just don't know how to do the deep cleaning stuff like washing windows, shampooing carpets, scrubbing floors, organizing closets, cleaning out basement storage, gardening....and the list goes on and on. How do working moms DO all this stuff??? I guess the only option I have is to use vacation time from work while Jude is at daycare. But then that is more time I will not get with my little boy. I'm left wondering if I'm too attached to get things done when Jude is with me. Have a created the baby who refuses to be left in an exersaucer to watch while I'm doing things? I know I have a bright, inquisitive baby who wants to be a part of everything, but sometimes I feel like it's because I wore him nonstop and coslept with him and allowed him to be a part of all mundane tasks that now it has to be that way forever.
I know I'm just rambling at this point and I am not blaming the way we parent exactly. I'm just envious of all my mom friends both in real life and in the blogosphere that seem to be perfect. Moms who bring home a great salary, cook, clean, and entertain while maintaining the perfect body, wearing makeup, always looking beautiful, and giving their husbands just as much attention as their children. I feel like the only part of that I even come close to is the great job and nothing else. I feel frumpy, chubby, disorganized, unkempt and frazzled. I need to stop complaining and just try harder, but that's easier said than done- especially when I don't even know where to begin.
Part of why I just don't feel good enough has to do with the fact that I can honestly say my mother is damn near perfect. Growing up raising two kids two years apart, she did it all: crazy fulltime career with insane hours and a husband who traveled two weeks out of every month on average, a perfect house- PERFECT, running us kids around to all of our extra curricular activities (if you knew me in gradeschool and highschool, I seriously danced for 6 hours a day, 6 days a week, nuts), and never forgot one single permission slip, dress down day at school, soccer practice, lunch money, nada. Most days, I'm lucky if I don't forget my breastpump or purse, let alone remember anything else.
I know I'll figure it out and maybe just try to convince myself that perception isn't always reality (but this is hard when I SEE my other mom friends doing it all). I can do this. I can.
Right?
7 comments:
Hey, don't know why I never realized you had a blog...but just read this post and wanted to share my thoughts.
DON'T beat yourself up - no one REALLY does it all, at least not on their own. I told my husband when I first came back to work that I could either be a good lawyer or a good mom, but not both (wife/friend wasn't even factored in). 6 Months later, I'm getting there in every realm, by doing 75% at each instead of 100% (or choosing what can get 0-25%).
I'm only now, at 11 mos. pp, beginning to lose weight from pregnancy and finding time to regularly exercise. My goal is to be at my home from the hospital weight by Toodle's 1st bday. Work - well, I'm not the employee I was before, but hanging in there and getting decent reviews. I've made it a priority to put on makeup and dress myself in something other than yoga wear when not working. BUT...I cook maybe once a week. I had to give up BFing at 8.5 mos. We have a cleaning service b/c I have no time or energy to clean. DH does all the laundry and dishes.
Guess I'm just trying to say that I don't think anyone can give 100% to everything. We all choose what to let slide, what to farm out, and find OUR balance that makes us happy, even if it's different from someone else's...and it sounds to me like you're doing a GREAT job and that happy little boy is the proof!
P.S. - Can you believe they're almost one?
Your post made me teary. Thanks Schmoodle, your words mean alot!
Erin, I just got teary reading all this. I honestly know what you mean, and I only have to pay attention to Jesse on the weekends!
I don't think you'll find a woman anywhere in the US that doesn't feel inadequate most of the time. Every mom I know struggles to keep up the facade of having it all together. I guess it depends on your job--at least you want to have Jude glued to you, whereas after I get home from working with kids all day, I just want some "me time" and then feel wildly guilty about wanting Belle to entertain herself when I haven't seen her all day.
It's give and take all the time... NOBODY is perfect, not even Santa Angelina! Sometimes you have to take time for yourself to exercize and feel good, and not worry if your linen closet looks like squirrels are living in it. If the house is clean when people come over, that's all that matters!
Instead of trying to make every room perfect all the time, pick ONE room that matters, be it the bedroom or the living room, and decide that THAT room is the one you will always keep clean. The others can get a little cluttered, and you'll clean them when you have the time and energy.
Don't beat yourself up. If you feel yourself getting stressed, pop Jude in the stroller and take a ten minute walk. It'll make you feel good, release some endorphins, burn some calories, and get Jude out into the sun and distract him. He'll only be this little once--don't feel bad about not wanting to miss it!
And of course, when you are feeling stressed, you can always call your dear friend CJ, who feels inadequate and at a loss about 95% of the time. Nobody is born knowing how to be a mom, let alone a super-mom who works full time, has a clean house, cooks, and keeps her husband happy. We're all muddling our way through this crazy life together.
I love you, and the Judester. And Phil, of course!
Hey Erin,
I know I'm not a mom, but I love reading your blog. :)
I guess from my non-mommy perspective, I really think that you're putting too much on yourself. No moms (especially working moms!) are perfect. I'm sure if you asked your "perfect" mom friends how they do it they'll tell you one of 3 things:1) they don't...you just have the perspective of an outsider who doesn't see the finger prints on the windows or dust bunnies under the bed. 2) They're on speed or 3) A lie.
Don't let yourself fall into the Mrs. Cleaver trap that was set by "the Man" generations ago. Not everything needs to be done perfectly and at the same time. Your windows may not be clean at the same time your floors are while you create a 5 course gourmet meal, while engaging in thought provoking play with your child. But that's OK because only one of thoes things is really important, really matters and can only be provided by you. Everything else can be purchased, premade, or hired out (I have a monthly cleaning service and I DON'T have kids! That's why I work. To be able to afford someone to do the crap I don't want to so I can enjoy my free time doing stuff I do want to do!)
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing wonderful and someday Jude will say so too.
First off, if you can address 150 invitations, you're kicking my bottom (yeah, we're pre-toilet training). It looks like you've got a lot of good thoughts, but I want to add a little encouragement about attachment parenting. I've been a stay-at-home mom for the last 5 months, and am now looking at becoming a full time working mom with a 1 year old and a new baby in 3 months. I don't know how it will work out, but at least my sister is our nanny at home!
Anyway, we've been moving this week, and once again we've seen attachment parenting at work. It has been a big disruption in Cecilia's life, but we have been able to have her in bed with us as we go from hotel room to hotel room. Every time she wakes in the night and gets scared, she turns to us and we reassure her with a pat or a murmur and a snuggle and she falls back to sleep before fully waking up. She also feels secure during the day when she's close to us and can see us. It's going so much better than we anticipated, and I think it has a lot to do with her being an AP baby.
It's not easy a lot of the time, especially when they want to plaster themselves to you 24/7, but I try to remind myself of the bigger goal. We've developed a relationship of trust with her we hope to cultivate for the rest of her life. I found that things got easier when I completely abandoned the way that "other peoples" babies were and embraced the way my baby is. She wants to be held and involved in everything I do. She wants me with her when she plays - all the time. So, I've tried to find ways to incorporate those traits in what we need to do. I created a play area in the kitchen and safe cabinets she could rummage through while I cook or clean there. We fully use carriers and slings during housework, and we're considering a backpack carrier for around the house. These are things I have to do just to feed the two of us, do basic housework (not necessarily cleaning the bathroom), and getting a little laundry done as a stay-at-home mom, and I still end up folding laundry or doing dishes at 10 after the baby is in bed. It has been a little easier if instead of thinking about things I need to do, I think of things we need to do and consider her a part of the activity or chore. If you need to shampoo carpets, maybe he can ride in a backpack carrier or a sling. If you want to garden, take him outside and give him his own toys for while you garden. Sometimes this has worked for me, and other times she just wants to hold Mommy's finger and drag me around while she explores the world. So what if it is 2 weeks between bathroom cleanings or laundry, my blog doesn't get updated as often as I'd like, and I'm generally tired. The benefits outweigh the sacrifices and I've found that I get the most joy in parenting from precious moments I wouldn't have without AP. Like when she reaches for me at night and burrows in with her little hand around my neck. We are the solution to her every problem, and it makes it all worth it.
The older they get, the easier it goes. As she approached 1 she started playing for 10-15 minute stretches on her own with her toys. Each baby is different, but those interludes give you time to do quick chores. Don't feel bad that Jude doesn't wander off and play by himself and ignore you. You are the most important person in his life, so he wants to share his life with you! AP is a tough road, and we'll all modify it as we need to, but the core idea is being bonded and close to your baby in order to develop a bond that will last throughout their childhood and adult life. I don't think that you have created a baby that won't be left in an exersaucer as much as you allow Jude to let you know that he prefers NOT to be in his exersaucer and you listen. That pattern of communication can set the tone of your relationship for the rest your lives. Don't set your standard by anything other than your baby, your family, and your priorities!
Girls, thank you SO much for your words of encouragement and wonderful advice. They mean so much to me, truly.
I love reading your blog Erin. Love looking to you as a trail blazer and teacher. I'm amazed at how well you juggle everything! My mom always had cleaners come and do the deep cleaning once or twice a month. Their cost versus the mental health was well worth it.
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